Ever felt like you just couldn’t take one more demand on your energy? I was like that last Monday night. We got home from vacation Saturday and I stayed up till 3 a.m. putting things away. Sunday was much of the same except it was catching up on things at home. Again I went to bed at 3 a.m. and Lynn was up several times so even though I didn’t start my day till 10 a.m., I was very tired on Monday. Monday was back to work. I work from home so after getting up late, fixing breakfast, getting us both dressed and fed, settling him down on his peddlar because his legs were spasming, I didn’t get to sit at my computer till around noon. However, I had already been handling work on my phone while I did all the above (I’ve become very good at multi-tasking).
All day was busy with work…many phone calls and 493 emails to go through that had come in while I was on vacation. I got some of those done on Sunday and most of the rest on Monday. The house was hot all day but so was outside so I turned the fan on me and figured Lynn had set the thermostat so it would be warmer. (He has hypothyroidism and anemia so he’s cold most of the time now). Around 7 pm I ran to the grocery store because I hadn’t had time since we got home from vacation. When I came back, Lynn was complaining about how hot he was. He did indeed look like he was melting so I rechecked the thermostat because I had set the temp to cool off while I was at the store. Well it was set now at 70 but the house temperature was registering as 80. We had a problem!
Lynn told me how to check the fuses in the garage and I went outside to hit the reset button on the heat pump. That wasn’t it. Lynn then told me to crawl under the house (I hate doing that. I’m afraid of snakes and not crazy about spiders or mice in case they are there either). I crawled over to the inside unit, checked the fuses there–it wasn’t a fuse issue–pulled out the filter–hmmm, when was the last time I changed that? obviously not recently–nothing worked. It was so hot, I was pouring sweat. Lynn needed help so I’m back inside helping him while he’s telling me to go next door to see if our neighbor can help (he’s an electrician). Neighbor not home. Dinner still needs to be picked, the house is so hot we are both sweating and Lynn is getting very weak from the heat but can’t go to bed because of muscle spasms. He’s giving me instructions on how to check this and that and to be honest, I thought if I had one more thing to do I was just going to lose it!
Maybe it was the heat; maybe the lack of sleep for two days in a row; maybe the fact that I had a message on the phone from Lynn’s doctor to call when we got back because his blood work was still bad on the anemia; maybe because I knew the AC was going to cost a lot to fix; maybe the hunger; maybe the guilt from not being able to handle it all with grace; but whatever was behind it, I just couldn’t take it anymore…..
But, when you are a caregiver, you don’t have the luxury of giving up. Who else is going to handle it if you don’t? Lot’s of people are helping us and many more are offering to do so but when you are home alone with someone depending on you and it’s night-time and you know that anyone you call will be burdened, the weight of the responsibility seems like a 2-ton boulder. Know what I mean?
I managed to get through it all that night. I took several deep breaths, ate a bowl of ice cream (that’s why I’m so fat now), and called my angel of a son-in-law who got dressed, came over and worked on the unit. He couldn’t fix it but his parents had a window unit they were not using and he went and got that for the bedroom so Lynn could get cooled off. He was our hero and guardian angel all rolled into one. God took care of our needs again and gave me the strength to carry on. He sent my son-in-law who is like a son to me to shoulder my burden and help me to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Thank goodness when I can’t deal with another thing, God sends me someone to help carry the load and help me to continue on our journey.
Thanks Kathy both for the encouragement and for sharing. I hope you will continue to find what I say an encouragement. Feel free to write back anytime.
I can’t tell you how much I enjoy reading you blog! Not because it is full of wonderful uplifting things, but because it describes perfectly the way I feel sometimes. My husband of 16 years has MS. His symptoms were pretty mild for the first years of our marriage so I thought well this is not so bad…then he began to progress. He worked until 2004 & I worked until 2010. I am now a full time caregiver. I read you stories & although Mike’s symptoms differ from Lynn’s our lives seem similar. Thanks for writing this & letting me know I’m not alone in this battle.
“when you are a caregiver, you don’t have the luxury of giving up” – Amen!!!
Caregivingly Yours, Patrick
I see that you sent your comment at 12:46 a.m. That tells me that your daily schedule is much like mine. I rarely get to bed before 1 a.m anymore myself either.
Donna